I kept pondering the situation on Monday, given we’re also preparing to speak for a single’s conference this coming weekend in Austin.
Every book on marriage and relationships says the same thing in it’s own way….men don’t understand women and you’ve got to be patient until they learn.
Indeed, most men need a long time to learn your love language, your script, the way your unique mind and soul work, plus how to most effectively meet you at these junctures.
We women need to learn their language as well and I’m in no way suggesting that they do all the work. Still, seems we ladies are a bit more naturally adept in the multiple dialects of coworkers, children, girlfriends, and men. Our abilities to read what’s not being said and make a move from the gut (a.k.a.intuition), is definitely an asset.
The point here is find a man who is open to learning. Like someone who buys Rosetta Stone on the path to speaking a new language, you want a guy who is teachable, open, humble enough to admit there’s room to grow.
Ron came to our marriage at age 44, with a lot of experience reading people as a pastor, previously married, and raising four sons. Even so it’s taken us the last 8 years to learn eachother’s preferences, mood swings, loose planks that rear their heads when life gets intense. We’re still learning, and because we both want to learn and we ask for forgiveness a lot, it helps.
I recommend learning to speak a new language before you need it. Many excellent books on marriage and men were my teachers-of-choice before I married. Turns out Ron and I were enjoying many of the same books long before we met, which has only helped us on a sometimes-bumpy ride.
Which brings home the point that this notion of romantic momentum that makes communication as easy as a look in the eye and a natural knowing across the room, is really a bunch of hog-wash.
Learning a language takes time, a long time, and speaking it even longer. At first you barely speak a word, you feel dumb and childish and are tempted to throw in the towel. Native talkers might even smile or laugh when you say something wrong, but at least you’re trying, and over time you become really good.
So marry a man who speaks your language, or is super-committed to learn. It’s worth the investment and your mutual fluency emerges as a sacred gift that only you two share.